Parenting philosophies, approaches and advice have never been as discussed or documented as today. As the parent of a 3.5 year old, I don’t ever feel like I’m alone. Or that I’m facing a particularly unique challenge. Any question I have has at least a few hundred search results. There’s gentle parenting (Thank you Dr Becky!), simplicity parenting, tiger parenting, raising your child like a French mom (Remember this phenomenon??) and on and on and on.
When I ask my own mother, she says she can’t really remember what her ‘style’ was. She was a stay-at-home mom. I don’t think she played with me or read to me (my sister says that she didn’t) but she was always there. When I was old enough to read, she got us a membership at Mysore’s first, and for a long time, only private lending library (called People’s Corner). She made sure we had enough to read (and we read a lot) even when money was scarce. She didn’t play with us but stitched outfits for our our Barbies. She shared with us the movies and music she liked. She was mean when she was angry (no calm voices and regulated emotion like they teach us now) and had poor follow-through. But most importantly she was always there. She always listened and tried hard not to judge us or our friends.
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I can say similar things about my dad. He worked a lot and sometimes he yelled and could be in a bad mood for days. But he was also predictable and always there. He came home every single day between 6 to 6:30 PM. We would hear the scooter at our gate and switch off the TV and rush to our room to pretend to study.
I’ve come to realize that our kids see our best and know our worst. We don’t always have to use calm voices, we don’t always have to regulate our emotions and we certainly don’t need to make sensory bins! The most important thing we can do for them is to be present. Parenting is mostly about presence. We each have to realize, recognize and reconcile what presence means to us as parents and individuals. We, at least for the foreseeable future have chosen quantity over quality when it comes to parenting our kid. (we reserve the right to change our minds)
It’s hard to explain to our almost-4-year-old what quality time means. She’s not interested in making memories. She just needs us now. My fifth favorite show of all time sums it up well...
p.s. we recognise how priveleged and lucky we are to make or even talk about parenting choices.
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